In the words of "Monty Python" that's a rather personal question!
I haven't blogged for AGES! Being up early on a lovely Sunday morning, I thought I'd give it a go.
This entry may seem a bit disjointed so forgive me in advance. It's kind of a long way from there to here.
On Thursday, I listened to a sermon that my brother gave for his church. It was about taking care of yourself physically and mentally as well as spiritually. These are areas I've very much neglected in the last years and even decades. Well this sermon really hit home.
Now, I must say that I went through an intense religious phase during my teens and twenties. I was raised Lutheran and then became "born again" at the age of 14. I went to Bible studies, prayer groups, joined young adult groups at church and went to Bible College. During a time of family, personal and societal upheaval religion gave me the rock to stand on while all around was sinking sand.
To make a long story short a lot has gone down since then. Major depressive disorder, deaths, major illnesses, personal struggles of identity and purpose. I've questioned everything. Do I believe at all? What do I believe? Why would I believe? What does it mean if I do and what actions should it take? These questions have worn me down, especially since the death of my Mother. She had faith and she lived like she meant it.
Well, I'm kind of tired of struggling and have decided that I do believe in God. I'm still not sure what that means but I've opened my heart to the possibilities. I have found that I cannot make the necessary changes in my health and outlook without a faith in something larger than myself. So I'm proceeding in that direction.
Understand, that path used to be very narrow, with high fences topped with razor wire for me. It was a very legalistic way of behaving and compressed thoughts. Mostly self-flagellation for my faults and short commings. There wasn't a lot of joy on that path. I think, perhaps, it was more about justification of my survival.
My brother thinks that my return to faith should be in a Gospel Based Church with meetings and structured this and that. Which is fine. It's his way of faith as it is for most middle Americans. I think my new path is going to be a lot more winding and may take me to all sorts of horizons and new views. Backtracking, exploring some caves, climbing some high hills. I hope so. I told him that I want restoration but I didn't mean installation of new razor wire. I'd like to think of it more as opening the sunroof and the doors and stepping outside.
So my first act of faith? Joining a bicycle ride for a Diabetes Association fundraiser. Going way outside my comfort zone in many ways and actually doing instead of rumminating, thinking, brooding, turning the mental hamster wheel. One pedal into something new.
